Danger - Be Careful Accommodating Your Child

How should a parent respond to their child’s emotional discomfort? There may be a lot of conflict within the parent – do I empathize and comfort, or do I make the child do whatever is triggering the discomfort. The parents do not want to coddle their child, but they do not want to seem like an uncompassionate monster.

The recipe I have found most helpful is empathy for the emotions and accountability for the behavior. For example, “I understand you are frustrated that you have to stop playing your game and take out the garbage, but if you failed to do so there will be consequences.”

One of the things that caring parents desire for their children is self-management or self-discipline. My idea of self-discipline is getting myself to do things that are in my best interest that I do not want to do; or not do things that I want to do that are not good for me. Part of the cultural norm has become to idolize our emotions and do everything in our power to satisfy those. This can be a formula for disaster.

The development of self-discipline originates with being disciplined. Children who are not disciplined develop unreasonable expectations of others and the world. This process leads to excessive narcissism. The goal of one’s life becomes satisfying all emotions. If something makes me uncomfortable, then I must avoid it. If I want something, I will be miserable until I get it. The conclusion is parents are responsible for introducing misery into their child’s life, so they learn to deal with it when it occurs as a natural part of life later. This introduction of misery is simply done through accountability and loving discipline.

Comfort and control are two things humans desire. The pursuit of these can be a barrier to good mental health. If I am uncomfortable and believe things are not going the way I desire or the way they should go, then I may go to unhealthy extremes to try to change the situation. In children we see temper tantrums as a means to get a desired outcome. If the parents give into the temper tantrum, then the child believes acting out in an angry fashion can get what they want. Unfortunately, it sometimes works.

If a child is uncomfortable and distressed and the parent allows the child to avoid whatever is triggering the distress, then avoidance is reinforced as the default behavior when things are uncomfortable. They become reluctant to try things out of their comfort zone. Most things we do for the first time will make us uncomfortable. Success does not come without some distress.

Part of being successful is learning to be uncomfortable and make sacrifices. To succeed in school, most will need to sacrifice some fun for studying. Being in good health requires not eating certain tasty foods and exercising. Financial security is dependent on saving rather than spending to increase my comfort and pleasure.

This principle is summarized scripturally in Hebrews 12:5-12 (CSB). 5 And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons: My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly or lose heart when you are reproved by him, 6 for the Lord disciplines the one he loves and punishes every son he receives. 7 Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? 8 But if you are without discipline—which all receive—then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we had human fathers discipline us, and we respected them. Shouldn’t we submit even more to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but he does it for our benefit, so that we can share his holiness. 11 No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 12 Therefore, strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees,

Specific points found in these verses include:

1. The Lord disciplines the one he loves which includes everyone.

   a. If you love your children, you will want to do what is best for them which includes discipline.

2. Specifically, verse 11 says “ No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful.

3. Later, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

   a. Notice in this verse righteousness is described as a peaceful fruit. Though there may be temporary dislikes in doing the right thing, in the long run we will live a more content and peaceful life. Think about the times you made poor choices and the potential consequences that created. The distress can be overwhelming.

4. Children will respect the parent who disciplines them.

Failure to discipline is often about the parent. The child’s approval is more important than their well-being. Or, the parent may be too busy to hold the child accountable and teach them responsibility. It seems easier to give in. Short term this is often true, but in the long run, life is going to be more difficult for your child, therefore more difficult for you.

Good parents who love their children will discipline them in love not anger. Parents who do not discipline or react in anger have some unhealthy motivations they need to identify and change. The lack of discipline or doing what is easiest for you is certainly not in the best interest of the child. This is not always an easy process, but it is one of the most important challenges as a parent.