Do Not Throw Your Pearls to Pigs

So many relationship issues arise when one person believes they know what is best for the other person and tries to make the other person think and feel the same way as them. It is my experience this happens often with the people who are most unhappy with their own lives and use others as a diversion to deal with their own problems and difficulties. “You should,” or “If I were them, I would …” Couples who come in for marital therapy can tell me with great freedom and ease what their spouse needs to work on but have tremendous struggles identifying their own weaknesses.

The Bible in Matthew 7:6 sheds some light to remind us what may happen when we tell others what they should do. 6“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. When you throw your pearls of wisdom at other people, they are unlikely to appreciate what you have to say, most likely they will not use the information, and may even turn and “tear you to pieces.” Do not give your pearls to pigs is found in the context of judging others. To try to give someone what you think they need or what you think is best for them is a form of judgment. It is also making you the god of their lives since you think you know what is best for them. We will reflect on the idea Only God Can Judge the Heart on another Person in another blog.

Sometimes we give advice out of caring intent. Because this worked so well for me you must try it. Whatever the intent of the giver, they are amazed when they receive a negative reaction from the other person. Feeling judged creates the need to defend oneself. When one is on the defensive the autonomic nervous system takes over with the infamous fight or flight response. When I put some one on the defensive, I can expect them to counter-attack or withdraw and shut down. With either of these responses it is easy for me to become defensive, and the fight or flight response takes over in me. Soon the conflict is escalating or there is no communication, just tense angry feelings. The fight or flight is based on raw emotions, void of rational thinking. Consequently, any meaningful conversation I am having becomes filled with chaos and confusion eliminating any chance of a meaningful productive conversation.

What is the difference between offering pearls to a pig as opposed to throwing pearls to a pig? Offering keeps the perspective of who is ultimately responsible for the decision. It is more likely to portray an attitude of caring and respect. I am allowing the person to decide. If I throw the pearls, I have given the advice that seems patronizing to the other person whether they want it or not. If they reject the pearls from us, it becomes much more personal leading to our own anger, hurt and possible defensive reaction. If you find yourself in frequent conflict with others intentionally monitor how often you are telling others what they need to do. One of the rules I recommend and try to follow is to not offer advice unless it is requested. This is especially true with parents offering advice to adult children. One of the questions to ask yourself - Is this issue more important than the relationship?

Ultimately it is God who gives everyone the pearls they need. Sometimes he may use us to deliver the gift. Even when the pearls are from God, many will reject them. The greatest pearl, eternal life through a belief in and surrender to Jesus Christ is often thrown away no matter how it is delivered. It is our responsibility to deliver the pearl in the love of God not in an attitude of judgment. The rejection is not about us, but the rejection is about God’s truth. We are not the gift to be given. The true pearl is the love of God manifested in His Son Jesus.